Unspoken Feelings continued

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I was the person nearest to her, and because of this she came back to me. Unfortunately, this would mean she wasn’t in love with me, but was only using me for companionship because she felt so isolated…or maybe she wanted to arouse jealousy in someone she had a crush on…or maybe she knew about my suffering, my pain since she left me. Maybe she just wanted to be my friend to help rid me of those feelings in my soul, in my heart.

But, of course, I didn’t need her compassion… Oh! I couldn't believe all the pathetic thoughts that were crossing my mind. I was creating illusions of all the different ways she was using me, until the relationship turned into a game – one which I didn’t want to play. During those days, my head was turning around all the ideas, letting them twist and contort until I didn’t know what to do.

One day I woke up, and suddenly everything was clear to me. It was as if my heart had finally spoken – I finally realized that loving her was the most important thing to me and that I must stop making outlandish conclusions about her motives. Why couldn't I believe she would love me again? Why couldn't I believe that I deserved her love? I just wanted see her and embrace her, finally feel her, truly feel her with every fiber of my being. I was, on this morning, finally ready to confess my feelings to and open up to her – I was ready to be the man I always should have been.

So I left my house and went to see her. I drove nearly 40 minutes until I reached her house, and I got out of the car with my heart beating fast - I was feeling so much desire to hold her on my arms: I didn't know what would say to her or how I would start, but that didn't matter. I knocked on her door, and in just few seconds her mother had opened it. Immediately, I saw so much pain on her face and a tear trickled on her cheek. Instantly I felt like a knife was slicing across my chest.

With a fearful voice, I asked her, “What happened?” She looked at me and then I held her in my arms while she was cried. I was desperate, and so I asked her, “Is this about Carolina? Has something bad happened to her?”

After a few seconds, she told me amid her sobs, “My daughter… had an accident …her state is critical…she will leave us…soon.”

I was very close to getting in an accident myself while I was driving to see her. I raced down the street to reach the hospital where she was staying. I entered the building with a strange sensation inside of me. I went to the room where she was, and saw her father and her brother standing beside her. I staggered, grasping for support of the bedrail at the sight of her lifeless body before me. In that moment, I wanted die and join to her in the next life so that I could tell her everything that I wanted to say…things that now I will never have a chance to say.

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